1. seriousjones:

    when someone at my 4th of july barbeque tries to stop me from fitting another firecracker into my ass

    image

    (via dutchster)

    5 hours ago  /  62,563 notes  /  Source: seriousjones

  2. sextspert:

superwholock-at-hogwarts:

chevvybar:

hiddlestalker:

lifehackable:

More Life Hacks Here

Day 1: you ripped open my vagina and I hate you
Day 5: just kidding you’re so cute and soft and small lol I could fit you in a handbag
Month 2: STOP CRYING PLEEEAASE. JUST ONE HOUR OF SLEEP AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVERRRR
Month 5: mama? Mama? Mama? Say it? Please? Say something? Please
Month 8: IF. YOU. DON’T. STOP. SAYING. MAMA. THE. POLICE. WILL. NEVER. FIND. THE. BODY.
Year 1: One down. 17 to go…
Year 1, Month 11: oh god.. it’s coming…
Year 2: NO PLEASE JUST PUT THAT DOWN. NNOOO! DON’T TOUCH THAT! Baby, i love you no matter whaT BUT PLEASE DON’T TOUCH THAT JJUST STAY STILL PLEASE SWEETHEART
Year 3: Oh thank god that’s over
Year 4: Awwww, you went to preschool. isn;t that adorable, my little intellectual shit
Year 5: ACTUAL SCHOOL! YOU LEARNED COLORS AND NUMBERS YOU’RE A GENIUS

Year 15: You called me a fuckwit. What the fuck is a fuckwit?

year 16; oh god no LIGHTLY step on the gas NO NON NO NO YOU DONT HAVE TO PRESS THAT HARD ON THE BREAK!!!

year 17: I caught you masturbating but you didn’t notice so I didn’t say anything. You’re welcome.

    sextspert:

    superwholock-at-hogwarts:

    chevvybar:

    hiddlestalker:

    lifehackable:

    More Life Hacks Here

    Day 1: you ripped open my vagina and I hate you
    Day 5: just kidding you’re so cute and soft and small lol I could fit you in a handbag
    Month 2: STOP CRYING PLEEEAASE. JUST ONE HOUR OF SLEEP AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVERRRR
    Month 5: mama? Mama? Mama? Say it? Please? Say something? Please
    Month 8: IF. YOU. DON’T. STOP. SAYING. MAMA. THE. POLICE. WILL. NEVER. FIND. THE. BODY.
    Year 1: One down. 17 to go…
    Year 1, Month 11: oh god.. it’s coming…
    Year 2: NO PLEASE JUST PUT THAT DOWN. NNOOO! DON’T TOUCH THAT! Baby, i love you no matter whaT BUT PLEASE DON’T TOUCH THAT JJUST STAY STILL PLEASE SWEETHEART
    Year 3: Oh thank god that’s over
    Year 4: Awwww, you went to preschool. isn;t that adorable, my little intellectual shit
    Year 5: ACTUAL SCHOOL! YOU LEARNED COLORS AND NUMBERS YOU’RE A GENIUS

    Year 15: You called me a fuckwit. What the fuck is a fuckwit?

    year 16; oh god no LIGHTLY step on the gas NO NON NO NO YOU DONT HAVE TO PRESS THAT HARD ON THE BREAK!!!

    year 17: I caught you masturbating but you didn’t notice so I didn’t say anything. You’re welcome.

    (via iamnotfittoliveamongman)

    5 hours ago  /  51,441 notes  /  Source: lifehackable.com

  3. kellanium-the-dieselhead:

    If you’re ever worried that you fucked up real bad, just remember that there are over 2,500 reported cases of vacuum cleaner-induced genital trauma in the United States each year. 

    (via iamnotfittoliveamongman)

    5 hours ago  /  34,215 notes  /  Source: blue-collar-girl

  4. mrcomatoseoverthr:

    shuckl:

    wildy0ungbeautiful:

    shuckl:

    could i pay someone to take over my body who actually knows how to look after it so they can like. make me healthy again and then let me take over once i’m fit n healthy

    You mean a personal trainer and a nutritionist

    no i mean some sort of supernatural being who can do literally all of the work for me

    So like the ghost of a personal trainer and nutritionist

    (via shaystfu)

    5 hours ago  /  73,826 notes  /  Source: shuckl

  5. dajo42:

    pashminabitch:

    dajo42:

    "tea is just leaf water!" "yeah well coffee is just bean water!" wow, it’s. it’s like everything is made of things. this door is just wood rectangle. this poster is just ink paper. this lemonade is just lemon water. wow, it’s like you can combine ingredients to make things that are more enjoyable than the initial parts of the equation. sure is a magical world we live in

    no

    well i guess that’s settled then

    (via iamnotfittoliveamongman)

    5 hours ago  /  109,770 notes  /  Source: dajo42

  6. (via ruinedchildhood)

    5 hours ago  /  70,162 notes  /  Source: real-tweets

  7. 5 hours ago  /  433,356 notes  /  Source: corgis-everywhere

  8. awkwardcum:

    dulect:

    when that one person you hate in your class speaks

    image

    image

     

    (via dutchster)

    5 hours ago  /  306,575 notes  /  Source: dulect

  9. cravings:

    if u can’t afford pizza u can’t afford me

    (via ruinedchildhood)

    5 hours ago  /  192,038 notes  /  Source: cravings

  10. crimewave420:

WHEN I SHOW UP 2 THA FUNCTION UNANNOUNCED 

    crimewave420:

    WHEN I SHOW UP 2 THA FUNCTION UNANNOUNCED 

    (via dutchster)

    13 hours ago  /  328,499 notes  /  Source: crimewave420